When you’re 16 everything seems like the end of the world. You think so highly of the relationships you get into, your think you’ll be together forever. But then that person you told your deepest darkest secrets to, expressed love to verbally and physically, lies and cheats on you. You really feel like you cant go on. So when they come back to you months later and express how much they still want you, you drop everything and give them a second chance. And then a third. Being cheated on multiple times, and have police involved because my safety might have been in danger, I still wanted things to work. Now, I’m 22 and I scan rooms of public places praying you aren’t there because I don’t know how I will be able to function if you were.
I gave you all the power then, and now. Until the other day, me and my boyfriend were out for coffee and you were there. The one time I forgot to scan the room. You were sitting there and we clearly saw each other except I chose to ignore it and try to breath normally. You on the other hand thought it would be a good idea to come over and “apologize” for what happened between us years before. I said thank you. In my head I was screaming. How could you? Why do you get to be the bigger person when I was left broken over and over again? Did you know when I got into my relationship Im in now, I couldn’t fully trust him because I was just so used to the lies and pain that came in words like “I promise”, “I’m in love with you”. I never could believe him when he was out without me, in the back of my head I would always picture different girls and become so self-conscious I drove a wedge between us. One that he could never understand. Because he was an actual good guy. I would harm myself because I could not believe I was pretty enough, because there were prettier girls out there so why even bother. I self sabotaged because I was so hurt and couldn’t find the strength to finally move on.
Now, I know he loves me. I know I don’t have to worry for even a second because he is trustworthy and treats me with the respect to never lie to my face. You might not have even cared as much as I did, you probably had no problem moving on and forgetting about all of it. Like I said, when your 16 things feel 1000X worse then they are. They stay with you forever. Im 22 and I wasted years of my life not believing in myself or growing in positive ways because I let a guy ruin it all for me. It seems so silly but the feelings are real, and the fact that you came up to me and apologized won’t erase the past. All I can hope is you treat whomever you decide to be with, you never put her through what I had to go through. No matter what age, it still hurts.
But without you, I wouldn’t be with the amazing man I am with today and without him I wouldn’t be a flourishing college graduate helping children with disabilities or believe in myself to start this blog. Life hands you things, events, and people but its up to us on how they impact how we live. Things happen for a reason. The pain I felt has made me stronger and more confident, although I wish I never had to go through it at all, but thats life.
I choose to not let my past ruin the rest of my life. I choose to forgive you because it’s whats best for me. I choose to think higher of myself because I know I’m worth it. I choose to forgive my 16 year old self for falling for your tricks and charm. I choose to learn from those lessons.